rosey hussein violet X (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} roseyv) wrote,@ 2008-02-25 19:52:00 |
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Surfin' USA (and TBS. And sometimes HGTV.)
1 NY1 “At 7:57 p.m., it’s 60 degrees and cloudy, and traffic is backed up all the way to the GWB.”
2 WCBS “Next up: CSI, followed by CSI Miami. Tune in tomorrow for CSI New York, followed by the premiere of CSI Green Bay. And tonight on the CBS News at 11, a look behind the scenes at the upcoming “CSI Tulsa.”
3 TNT “In the criminal justice system … “
4 WNBC “In the criminal justice system …”
5 FOX (WNYW) “We were on a break!”
6 Nickelodeon “And the lamp is my friend, and the sofa is my friend. And Ruffles is my friend.”
7 WABC “Look, I swear to God, Sunday’s almost here. No, really! It’s Tuesday, right? But it’s Tuesday night, which is practically Wednesday, which is just one day short of Thursday, and come on, who watches TV on Friday and Saturday? So like, technically, it practically is Sunday already, so just sit tight for a little longer, and then Lost will be on. Okay? For God’s sake, it’s a only couple of fucking days!!!!”
8 TBS “We were on a BREAK!”
9 MyNetworkTV (WWOR) “Wait, aren’t we off the air? What? UPN? Oh, right. That was when we had Buffy. But this is different? Really? Are you sure?”
10 CNN “… today reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
11 CW11 (WPIX) “We were on a BREAK!”
12 Lifetime “We were on a BREAK!”
13 Thirteen (WNET) “… but despite all this, PBS continues to be relevant. And coming up after this pledge break, it’s another full hour of “Are You Being Served?”
14 ABC Family “But … wait a minute. If you’re in here … how could you be out th…? Whooaaaa!!!”
15 CNBC “… whom CNN have reported today reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
16 A&E Coming up after Paranormal State, it’s a full hour of Criss Angel, Mindfreak, and as soon as that’s over, we’ll get right on to something artistic and/or entertain — oh, no, sorry. I’m just being told that that is not, in fact, the case. Never mind.”
17 The History Channel “And that’s how an ingot becomes a mallet tip. Coming up next, how they get the dots on dice. Yep, two thousand years of civilization, and this is what it all comes down to.”
18 The Discovery Channel “I’ll admit this one surprised me, but apparently, it really isn’t possible to hollow out a dead baby and use it to smuggle cocaine out of Mexico by concealing it in a Snuggly. So, I guess we’re gonna have to call that one busted.”
19 VH1 “In our Number 9 piece of Web Junk this week, a guy’s toupee falls off.” “Now check out Web Junk number nine, in which a guy’s toupee falls off.” (Cut to video of guy’s toupee falling off.) And in this week’s piece of Web Junk number 8, a weird old guy yammers incoherently about something.” “Hey, now it’s time for Web Junk number 8, which features a weird old guy doing some incoherent yammering.” (Cut to video of weird old guy yammering incoherently.)
20 MTV “… but I really believe that if anything’s going to straighten her out, it’s going to be her love for her kids.”
21 WLIW (21) Shoo-doop dooby-doo. Shoo-doop dooby dooo. Shoo-doop dooby-doo. Shoo-doop dooby dooo. *
22 Cartoon Network Incongruous photograph.
Chiron: “Yeah, even we realize there are only so many times we can run Family Guy in a single week without it starting to seem desperate. But what are you gonna do?”
Incongruous photograph with small detail irrelevantly animated.
Network logo.
23 Court TV “It wasn’t supposed to happen to Andrea. She was beautiful and popular. It was supposed to happen to someone dumpy, and socially awkward.”
24 E! “Wow, those telenovelas are pretty wacky, huh? But not as wacky as those folks on Jerry Springer. Check this out!”
25 WNYE “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
26 SportsNet New York “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
27 MSG “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
28 ESPN “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
29 ESPN-2 “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
30 YES Network “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
31 WPXN “Pa! Mr. Edwards is stuck in the well!”
32 Shop NBC “Now, where are you gonna find argyle socks of this quality for under six dollars a pair? And at twelve pairs for twenty, you’re practically making money.”
34 - QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble diasporas mumble (feedback whine)”
35 QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble JEEESUS! mumble (feedback whine)”
36 Spike TV “Hahahahahahahaha! Ahahhahahahahahaaha! Ha ha ha HAAAAAA!!! That’s GOTTA hurt.”
37 Headline News “And according to CNBC, CNN has reported that earlier today, they reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
38 Bravo “In the criminal justice system …”
39 HSN “And you just will not believe how fast it works. Now, just to give you some idea, we used the enhancer on just Charelle’s right breast, just so you can see the difference.”
40 USA “In the criminal justice system …”
41 Univision (WXTV) Goooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
42 BET Whut’s. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?
43 MSNBC “Now, according to CNBC, CNN is reporting that earlier today, the Post reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
44 Sci Fi “… that his next leap will be the leap … h-h-h-home.”
45 Comedy Central “You are now watching MadTV. After which, you will be watching MadTV again. Subsequently, and for most of the next three hours, you will still be watching MadTV. After that, three back-to-back episodes of Scrubs, followed by a special MadTV marathon until eleven, after which it’s the Daily Show. So, basically it’s safe to just turn off the set until eleven, and then switch over to Conan to avoid a solid hour of Mind of Mencia, followed at one a.m. by MadTV.”
46 Fox News “How dare you even suggest that?” No, how dare YOU?!” No, how dare YOU!?!!???” “NO, HOW DARE YOU!?!??!” “How dare – oh, God oh God oh God it’s OOO-HO-HO-HO-VE-HER-HER-HER-HER! It’s ALL OOO-HO-HO-HO-VE-HER-HER-HER-HER!” “ Sniff. Whimper. But you know, in a way, you have to admit. It’s … almost kind of a relief, you know?” “HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST SUCH A THING?” “No, how dare you?” “No, HOW DARE YOU!??!”
47 Telemundo (WNJU) “Estábamos en una break!”
48 Fox Sports New York “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!” “How DARE you?!?”
49 Disney Channel “Wait – there are TWO of you!??!”
50 Food Network "With less than fifteen minutes on the clock, the contestants are really feeling the heat: Team Luciano are facing a fondant crisis, and the judges don’t look any too pleased about those dragee violations …”
51 TV Guide Channel “So, explain to me again – why would you even want to look like Paris Hilton?”
52 TLC (The Learning Channel) “I got eight thousand of them for only three cents each, and I was thinking we’d stick them all over the walls.”
“Um.”
“No, trust me. It’ll work!”
53 Galavision “MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL DOLARES!!!!”
54 AMC “Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in.”
55 WLNY “That concludes our re-broadcast of the annual lighting of the Big Duck. Coming up next, aerial footage of lighthouses, followed at ten by the Corn Index.”
56 QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble kick-ASS new band mumble (feedback whine)”
57 QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble the MAN mumble (feedback whine)”
58 FX “Coming up next on FX, it’s Bryan Brown in F/X. Then at 10:30, it’s F/X 2, only on FX.”**
59 WE: Women's Entertainment “It’ like television, only for people with vaginas!”
60 C-SPAN 2 “Now, according to both MSNBC and CNBC, CNN is already reporting that the Post has reported this unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
61 Oxygen “Next on Tyra, we’ll be reuniting teen prostitutes with the mothers who abandoned them, and giving them all fabulous makeovers!”
62 Lifetime Movie Network “This Friday at nine, a Lifetime Movie Network original made-for-TV world premiere, starring Meredith Baxter Birney, Tori Spelling and Ashley Tisdale. As three generations of Lifetime Movie Network original made-for-TV-movie stars, in the Lifetime Movie Network original made-for-TV movie premiere: Meredith, Tori and Ashley, a Lifetime Movie Network Original Made-for-TV Premiere. Based on a harrowing true story.”
63 WMBC I have no freaking idea what this is.
64 HGTV Coming up on HGTV, the Design on a Dime team updates a drab, Victorian-style parlor with a touch of slick, 1970s-retro flash. Then, Debbie Travis revives a hopelessly flashy and out of date 1970s family room and gives it the warm look of a cozy, Victorian style parlor.
65 National Geographic Channel Next up on “Was the Moon Landing a Fake?,” we spend an hour an twenty minutes to conclude that in fact, it wasn’t. Then on “Has Time Travel Already Happened?” ditto. Remember when people used to consider this an educational channel?
67 Azteca America “Octubre 23 - Noviembre 21: Escorpio. Tu energía mental y fuerza espiritual están perfectamente en sintonía ¡y tu intensidad personal crece! Es un buen momento para atraer la atención, y asegurarte de que tus amigos estén bien.
68 Telefutura (WFUT) “Estamos en la televisión! En el futuro!!!”
69 There is NOOOOOOOOOO … Channel 69.
70 C-SPAN Coming up this Saturday on C-SPAN Radio, listen to some of President Lyndon Johnson’s secretly recorded 1967 phone calls with Attorney General Ramsey Clark, from the latest release of tapes by the LBJ Library and Museum in Austin, Texas.***
71 NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble crack epidemic in our streets mumble (feedback whine)”
72 The Weather Channel BOOM! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! CRACKLE!! FLASH! BOOM!
73 - NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble astonishing new off-off-Broadway play mumble (feedback whine)”
74 NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble totally amazing independent film mumble (feedback whine)”
75 CUNY NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble just discovered this awesome new remaster of the great blues man mumble (feedback whine)”
76 Arabic TV Temporarily off-air.
77 ITV Coming up next, yet another evening of mediocre British programming for those people who, despite living in Brooklyn, are inexplicably interested in keeping up with “Coronation Street.”
78 Chinese Prime “You have shamed your father, and dishonored your family!”
79 Showtime “You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”
80 HBO “You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”
81 IFC (Independent Film Channel) It doesn’t really matter what’s coming up next, right? Because you are such a fucking serious devotee of the “cinema,” you wouldn’t be caught dead watching anything so plebian as a TV show to begin with, right? Right? You pretentious asshole.
82 Turner Classic Movies “You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”
83 Ovation Okay, smartass. You want actual Arts & Entertainment? It’s another eighteen bucks a month, or just content yourself with another episode of “Parking Wars.”
84 ESPN Classic “Oh, Broadway Joe! That’s gotta hurt.”
85 TV Land “Luuuuuucyyyyyyyyyy.”
86 Animal Planet “Awwwww!”
* That one was really just for me.
** I don’t actually get this channel. I have no idea what’s on it. Sorry.
*** This is an actual thing. I did not make this up.
1 NY1 “At 7:57 p.m., it’s 60 degrees and cloudy, and traffic is backed up all the way to the GWB.”
2 WCBS “Next up: CSI, followed by CSI Miami. Tune in tomorrow for CSI New York, followed by the premiere of CSI Green Bay. And tonight on the CBS News at 11, a look behind the scenes at the upcoming “CSI Tulsa.”
3 TNT “In the criminal justice system … “
4 WNBC “In the criminal justice system …”
5 FOX (WNYW) “We were on a break!”
6 Nickelodeon “And the lamp is my friend, and the sofa is my friend. And Ruffles is my friend.”
7 WABC “Look, I swear to God, Sunday’s almost here. No, really! It’s Tuesday, right? But it’s Tuesday night, which is practically Wednesday, which is just one day short of Thursday, and come on, who watches TV on Friday and Saturday? So like, technically, it practically is Sunday already, so just sit tight for a little longer, and then Lost will be on. Okay? For God’s sake, it’s a only couple of fucking days!!!!”
8 TBS “We were on a BREAK!”
9 MyNetworkTV (WWOR) “Wait, aren’t we off the air? What? UPN? Oh, right. That was when we had Buffy. But this is different? Really? Are you sure?”
10 CNN “… today reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
11 CW11 (WPIX) “We were on a BREAK!”
12 Lifetime “We were on a BREAK!”
13 Thirteen (WNET) “… but despite all this, PBS continues to be relevant. And coming up after this pledge break, it’s another full hour of “Are You Being Served?”
14 ABC Family “But … wait a minute. If you’re in here … how could you be out th…? Whooaaaa!!!”
15 CNBC “… whom CNN have reported today reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
16 A&E Coming up after Paranormal State, it’s a full hour of Criss Angel, Mindfreak, and as soon as that’s over, we’ll get right on to something artistic and/or entertain — oh, no, sorry. I’m just being told that that is not, in fact, the case. Never mind.”
17 The History Channel “And that’s how an ingot becomes a mallet tip. Coming up next, how they get the dots on dice. Yep, two thousand years of civilization, and this is what it all comes down to.”
18 The Discovery Channel “I’ll admit this one surprised me, but apparently, it really isn’t possible to hollow out a dead baby and use it to smuggle cocaine out of Mexico by concealing it in a Snuggly. So, I guess we’re gonna have to call that one busted.”
19 VH1 “In our Number 9 piece of Web Junk this week, a guy’s toupee falls off.” “Now check out Web Junk number nine, in which a guy’s toupee falls off.” (Cut to video of guy’s toupee falling off.) And in this week’s piece of Web Junk number 8, a weird old guy yammers incoherently about something.” “Hey, now it’s time for Web Junk number 8, which features a weird old guy doing some incoherent yammering.” (Cut to video of weird old guy yammering incoherently.)
20 MTV “… but I really believe that if anything’s going to straighten her out, it’s going to be her love for her kids.”
21 WLIW (21) Shoo-doop dooby-doo. Shoo-doop dooby dooo. Shoo-doop dooby-doo. Shoo-doop dooby dooo. *
22 Cartoon Network Incongruous photograph.
Chiron: “Yeah, even we realize there are only so many times we can run Family Guy in a single week without it starting to seem desperate. But what are you gonna do?”
Incongruous photograph with small detail irrelevantly animated.
Network logo.
23 Court TV “It wasn’t supposed to happen to Andrea. She was beautiful and popular. It was supposed to happen to someone dumpy, and socially awkward.”
24 E! “Wow, those telenovelas are pretty wacky, huh? But not as wacky as those folks on Jerry Springer. Check this out!”
25 WNYE “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
26 SportsNet New York “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
27 MSG “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
28 ESPN “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
29 ESPN-2 “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
30 YES Network “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
31 WPXN “Pa! Mr. Edwards is stuck in the well!”
32 Shop NBC “Now, where are you gonna find argyle socks of this quality for under six dollars a pair? And at twelve pairs for twenty, you’re practically making money.”
34 - QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble diasporas mumble (feedback whine)”
35 QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble JEEESUS! mumble (feedback whine)”
36 Spike TV “Hahahahahahahaha! Ahahhahahahahahaaha! Ha ha ha HAAAAAA!!! That’s GOTTA hurt.”
37 Headline News “And according to CNBC, CNN has reported that earlier today, they reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
38 Bravo “In the criminal justice system …”
39 HSN “And you just will not believe how fast it works. Now, just to give you some idea, we used the enhancer on just Charelle’s right breast, just so you can see the difference.”
40 USA “In the criminal justice system …”
41 Univision (WXTV) Goooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
42 BET Whut’s. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?
43 MSNBC “Now, according to CNBC, CNN is reporting that earlier today, the Post reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
44 Sci Fi “… that his next leap will be the leap … h-h-h-home.”
45 Comedy Central “You are now watching MadTV. After which, you will be watching MadTV again. Subsequently, and for most of the next three hours, you will still be watching MadTV. After that, three back-to-back episodes of Scrubs, followed by a special MadTV marathon until eleven, after which it’s the Daily Show. So, basically it’s safe to just turn off the set until eleven, and then switch over to Conan to avoid a solid hour of Mind of Mencia, followed at one a.m. by MadTV.”
46 Fox News “How dare you even suggest that?” No, how dare YOU?!” No, how dare YOU!?!!???” “NO, HOW DARE YOU!?!??!” “How dare – oh, God oh God oh God it’s OOO-HO-HO-HO-VE-HER-HER-HER-HER! It’s ALL OOO-HO-HO-HO-VE-HER-HER-HER-HER!” “ Sniff. Whimper. But you know, in a way, you have to admit. It’s … almost kind of a relief, you know?” “HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST SUCH A THING?” “No, how dare you?” “No, HOW DARE YOU!??!”
47 Telemundo (WNJU) “Estábamos en una break!”
48 Fox Sports New York “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!” “How DARE you?!?”
49 Disney Channel “Wait – there are TWO of you!??!”
50 Food Network "With less than fifteen minutes on the clock, the contestants are really feeling the heat: Team Luciano are facing a fondant crisis, and the judges don’t look any too pleased about those dragee violations …”
51 TV Guide Channel “So, explain to me again – why would you even want to look like Paris Hilton?”
52 TLC (The Learning Channel) “I got eight thousand of them for only three cents each, and I was thinking we’d stick them all over the walls.”
“Um.”
“No, trust me. It’ll work!”
53 Galavision “MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL DOLARES!!!!”
54 AMC “Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in.”
55 WLNY “That concludes our re-broadcast of the annual lighting of the Big Duck. Coming up next, aerial footage of lighthouses, followed at ten by the Corn Index.”
56 QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble kick-ASS new band mumble (feedback whine)”
57 QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble the MAN mumble (feedback whine)”
58 FX “Coming up next on FX, it’s Bryan Brown in F/X. Then at 10:30, it’s F/X 2, only on FX.”**
59 WE: Women's Entertainment “It’ like television, only for people with vaginas!”
60 C-SPAN 2 “Now, according to both MSNBC and CNBC, CNN is already reporting that the Post has reported this unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
61 Oxygen “Next on Tyra, we’ll be reuniting teen prostitutes with the mothers who abandoned them, and giving them all fabulous makeovers!”
62 Lifetime Movie Network “This Friday at nine, a Lifetime Movie Network original made-for-TV world premiere, starring Meredith Baxter Birney, Tori Spelling and Ashley Tisdale. As three generations of Lifetime Movie Network original made-for-TV-movie stars, in the Lifetime Movie Network original made-for-TV movie premiere: Meredith, Tori and Ashley, a Lifetime Movie Network Original Made-for-TV Premiere. Based on a harrowing true story.”
63 WMBC I have no freaking idea what this is.
64 HGTV Coming up on HGTV, the Design on a Dime team updates a drab, Victorian-style parlor with a touch of slick, 1970s-retro flash. Then, Debbie Travis revives a hopelessly flashy and out of date 1970s family room and gives it the warm look of a cozy, Victorian style parlor.
65 National Geographic Channel Next up on “Was the Moon Landing a Fake?,” we spend an hour an twenty minutes to conclude that in fact, it wasn’t. Then on “Has Time Travel Already Happened?” ditto. Remember when people used to consider this an educational channel?
67 Azteca America “Octubre 23 - Noviembre 21: Escorpio. Tu energía mental y fuerza espiritual están perfectamente en sintonía ¡y tu intensidad personal crece! Es un buen momento para atraer la atención, y asegurarte de que tus amigos estén bien.
68 Telefutura (WFUT) “Estamos en la televisión! En el futuro!!!”
69 There is NOOOOOOOOOO … Channel 69.
70 C-SPAN Coming up this Saturday on C-SPAN Radio, listen to some of President Lyndon Johnson’s secretly recorded 1967 phone calls with Attorney General Ramsey Clark, from the latest release of tapes by the LBJ Library and Museum in Austin, Texas.***
71 NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble crack epidemic in our streets mumble (feedback whine)”
72 The Weather Channel BOOM! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! CRACKLE!! FLASH! BOOM!
73 - NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble astonishing new off-off-Broadway play mumble (feedback whine)”
74 NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble totally amazing independent film mumble (feedback whine)”
75 CUNY NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble just discovered this awesome new remaster of the great blues man mumble (feedback whine)”
76 Arabic TV Temporarily off-air.
77 ITV Coming up next, yet another evening of mediocre British programming for those people who, despite living in Brooklyn, are inexplicably interested in keeping up with “Coronation Street.”
78 Chinese Prime “You have shamed your father, and dishonored your family!”
79 Showtime “You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”
80 HBO “You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”
81 IFC (Independent Film Channel) It doesn’t really matter what’s coming up next, right? Because you are such a fucking serious devotee of the “cinema,” you wouldn’t be caught dead watching anything so plebian as a TV show to begin with, right? Right? You pretentious asshole.
82 Turner Classic Movies “You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”
83 Ovation Okay, smartass. You want actual Arts & Entertainment? It’s another eighteen bucks a month, or just content yourself with another episode of “Parking Wars.”
84 ESPN Classic “Oh, Broadway Joe! That’s gotta hurt.”
85 TV Land “Luuuuuucyyyyyyyyyy.”
86 Animal Planet “Awwwww!”
* That one was really just for me.
** I don’t actually get this channel. I have no idea what’s on it. Sorry.
*** This is an actual thing. I did not make this up.
